It’s a bad night. It’s a really bad night. All of it – the composure, the maturity with which I’ve handled the past month and a half – is slipping away. It feels like a farce and my insecurities laugh in my face that I was ever fool enough to believe that I could truly be that person.
I can feel a thousand thoughts racing in my head. I can pick out individual strains of each thought and yet I cannot isolate them separately to deal with them like the small insignificant things they are, and they rear up to form a monster I cannot even begin to deal with.
I want to smash things across the room and hurt every thing I see, but at the same time I cannot get my listless body to get free of the spider web of these poisonous thoughts. They consume my mind and destroy everything that is good, smearing everyone who loves me with an ugliness I cannot combat except by weeping inside my head, because I don’t have the courage to actually shed tears – that would involve getting free of this labyrinth of destruction for a minute or two.
It has me mesmerized and I can’t let go. Help.