There is another person in my head. This person speaks, speaks a language of her own. She knows the correct retort to a biting remark, she knows when an accusation has been hurled unjustly at her, she knows how to be confident even in a bad situation. She knows what you say is wrong, and she can prove it. She gives me a flawless structure in my head, so I could even write an opposing debate argument on paper against what you are saying and win, judged by any judge in the world.
But she is overshadowed by me. I, am scared. I am scared of taking a wrong step in office and offending any authority. I am scared of speaking my mind to someone I love because I fear I will hurt them. I am afraid of asking what that vendor is selling in the farthest corner of the street for fear that he will laugh at me. I am afraid of asking you to repeat what you just said because I did not understand it. The fear in my heart rises if a woman in the train asks me why I am standing in the front if my station is so far.
I look for a life without conflict, but that is not to be. I am a coward who chooses obedience and submissiveness because she is too scared to be wrong. Actually, too scared to fight – even when I know I am right. I brush aside the arguments she gives me, and concentrate on that one big thing you might have done for me – and that allows me to forgive you all your faults and brings forth in my head every wrong that I have done. She tries to fight, this person in my head. She is my free spirit, the exhilaration in my veins, that touch of recklessness in me, that wildness that everyone wants to tame and my optimism in my worst times. I ignore her, and pledge even more obedience, and strangle her, day by day.
Maybe one day I will wake up and find her gone.
Title: Pink Floyd. Brain Damage.