Being average

They said, in hard work lies your redemption.
Work hard and you will succeed.
Never, never, never, never give up.
But it didn’t work that way. Because in the way came laziness.
They said, laziness is a choice.
Get up and start now.
Make a to-do list, then check things off, feel satisfied.
Find success in the completion of small tasks.
But it didn’t work that way. Because in the way came distraction.
They said, you have the abilities to achieve big things.
Harness your talents, you are destined for greatness.
You are intelligent, you are beautiful.
Make your self-confidence stable; believe in yourself.
But it didn’t work that way. Because in the way came failure.
They said, it’s a new year; it’s a new start.
Forget everything that’s happened, carve out a new place for yourself.
Be happy, successful, hardworking and intelligent all at once.
Change what the past years’ circumstances have forced you to become.
Because change is so easy.
But it didn’t work that way. Because frustration came in the way. 

Frustration – the one enemy I cannot seem to defeat.

Loss, I can handle – I simply hide myself and learn to accept, albeit the hard way.
Anger, I have never had any issues with – it’s nigh impossible to anger me.
Failure – is something I have become used to. Not being the last, but being average, non-important and just okay in everything, shamefully bad in some.
Guilt – gives me a hard time, true. Sometimes I handle it, mostly I can’t.

But the one thing that gets me everytime, like a sucker punch to the stomach – is frustration. It does not come in waves,but like a Tsunami. No warning, and it can spoil the most normal of days. The spiral to mental distress begins because of this very tide of frustration. One innocuous comment, a joke, a picture, anything can set it off – and then it begins. Even if I kept apart the ugly events that have happened, the incidents and the aftermath, just looking at the normal life – what have I achieved? What can I achieve? Sitting down to make a list of ‘pros’ about me, things I can do better than most people, nothing comes to mind. Zilch.

All that’s left is self-hate. It’s not vicious hatred now that makes me want to harm myself. But just resignation to the fact that I can never be who I should be, who I want to be. Resignation that makes me see the world as a dwarf, and every one better and more accomplished than me.
And then they say hard work is your way to redemption, laziness is a choice, you have the abilities and that it’s a new start. Yes, a new start. But with the same person that I am.

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