So close yet so far away

I was staring at his new display picture the whole night. Nothing else would hold me away for more than a few minutes. I would come back to it, like I were a rat and it was the Pied Piper. It fascinated me. It was not just that it was a good picture. The obsession was much more than that.

It was how I remembered him. Mostly sitting side-by-side rather than face-to-face, in an auto, in the cafeteria, on the pavement, anywhere, that is the angle I viewed him from. That is what my eyes captured in intricate detail. The picture was clicked as if from my memory. And that shirt….that shirt brought back a vivid memory of him jogging through the old campus, to get somewhere in a hurry, his bag thumping on his back. What random things the mind remembers. 

Also it symbolised what was happening. The picture. Him turned away from me, looking far away, thinking of things he was too wary to share. The agony is unbearable, to be so close yet so far away. Turned away, but his back never turned on me. Always raised a conundrum for me – should I place a hand on his shoulder and talk, and try to help, as I would love to; or just let him be and not infringe his space. The latter won of course. There was a fear, a fear of doing something else wrong. Making things worse just by opening my mouth. Because it always ends up wrong. As I told him once, the tagline behind my name should be ‘Ruining lives since 1995.’

Nevertheless, this is not a negative post. Because I promised him, and I promised Best Friend that I’d be happy. So I try to mask the flutter of fear in my chest. The fear of doing wrong without intending to. I hide it, and I smile.

Because if 2013 has taught me nothing, it has atleast taught me that those who are meant to stay will always do; and those that don’t want to be a part of your life never will be, no matter how hard you try. So let their strings lose; love with an open heart. If someone you love hurts you, it is their loss. Because instead of enjoying it they’re wasting precious time staying away. Because 2013 has taught me another thing – you never know when you will lose the ones you cherish. Give them love, and care not whether they return it.

Seems contradictory doesn’t it? To freely love and yet to let people be and not go after them? But it isn’t. Because those who truly loved you never went away after all.

Oh, if I could help. What I would do to be able to ease his agony, as he always does mine. That feeling of uselessness starts to creep in. But I firmly close the door on it. 

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2 thoughts on “So close yet so far away

  1. For starters very well written. This one brought back memories.
    I had been in a situation where I unwittingly hurt my best friend albeit unintentionally. Although he cared about me deeply and he still does, I do not think that we have been the same after that incident. Post that period, there were major changes in our relationship. He has never hurt me for doing what I did. He is just too good of a person to do that. I think he did the same thing you are doing, at that point of time. He forgave me because he loved me. But he could not prevent that transition in our relationship from happening. Things changed.
    We stay in different countries now and we continue to keep in touch. But it has never been the same as before. I wish I had done something differently rather than have ignored the matter and waited for his response to the incident. I wish he had blasted me. Our bond would have made things alright. But the unfinished business has left that knot that I have not been able to entangle.
    All I am telling you is things often backfire. It is definitely better to do something rather than not to.
    Keep up the good work. I look to forward to more posts.

    Like

    1. Firstly, Andrea, thank you. Knowing someone else can relate to what I write is always a delight.
      And don’t you think that the fact that your friend did not go away from you counts? It is not difficult to cut off a bond with someone, especially when you are living in different countries. After being deeply hurt, this would’ve been the perfect opportunity for him to cut off the friendship completely. But he continued to stick by you, and care for you. This shows he loves you more than he cares for his own self. Often, we see change as negative. When the nature of a bond between two people changes, it does not mean that it has become any less. Simply that it has matured. It’s like the phases of a deep friendship – when you have just met, and you have a great connection, you talk, you laugh, you share. But slowly, when the connection is deep enough, you learn to be comfortable with silence. This does not mean that the other person does not want to talk to you – simply that they do not feel an obligation to fill silence with words, and can be comfortable around you.

      Try to see it simply as a change, and not a reduction or negative effect on your bond. Because, as I said, those that love us, continue to do so, no matter what; and those that don’t, never will, no matter what you do.

      Liked by 1 person

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