I was staring at his new display picture the whole night. Nothing else would hold me away for more than a few minutes. I would come back to it, like I were a rat and it was the Pied Piper. It fascinated me. It was not just that it was a good picture. The obsession was much more than that.
It was how I remembered him. Mostly sitting side-by-side rather than face-to-face, in an auto, in the cafeteria, on the pavement, anywhere, that is the angle I viewed him from. That is what my eyes captured in intricate detail. The picture was clicked as if from my memory. And that shirt….that shirt brought back a vivid memory of him jogging through the old campus, to get somewhere in a hurry, his bag thumping on his back. What random things the mind remembers.
Also it symbolised what was happening. The picture. Him turned away from me, looking far away, thinking of things he was too wary to share. The agony is unbearable, to be so close yet so far away. Turned away, but his back never turned on me. Always raised a conundrum for me – should I place a hand on his shoulder and talk, and try to help, as I would love to; or just let him be and not infringe his space. The latter won of course. There was a fear, a fear of doing something else wrong. Making things worse just by opening my mouth. Because it always ends up wrong. As I told him once, the tagline behind my name should be ‘Ruining lives since 1995.’
Nevertheless, this is not a negative post. Because I promised him, and I promised Best Friend that I’d be happy. So I try to mask the flutter of fear in my chest. The fear of doing wrong without intending to. I hide it, and I smile.
Because if 2013 has taught me nothing, it has atleast taught me that those who are meant to stay will always do; and those that don’t want to be a part of your life never will be, no matter how hard you try. So let their strings lose; love with an open heart. If someone you love hurts you, it is their loss. Because instead of enjoying it they’re wasting precious time staying away. Because 2013 has taught me another thing – you never know when you will lose the ones you cherish. Give them love, and care not whether they return it.
Seems contradictory doesn’t it? To freely love and yet to let people be and not go after them? But it isn’t. Because those who truly loved you never went away after all.
Oh, if I could help. What I would do to be able to ease his agony, as he always does mine. That feeling of uselessness starts to creep in. But I firmly close the door on it.