Yesterday, today, tomorrow.
When will I be free of this?
A normal afternoon.
A happy afternoon. A shining sun. A beautiful road. An eagerly awaited purpose. A pleasant walk.
An innocent touch. More a brush against the waist.
Rewind. Automatic backlash. Black memories. Stoned on the spot. No longer in the sunshine, no longer smelling the familiar car fumes. Sweat, sweat and the stench of fear. Immobilizing, crippling fear. The fear that stays after a long drawn out scream. Time in limbo, body a statue, mind racing back at a thousand thoughts a second. Each insufferable moment drawn out, experienced as if for the first time.
Pain, blinding pain. Physical. Blood.
Shame. Embarrassment. Reality. Hopelessness. Looking around, people. So many people. People with large hands. Hands that can easily hold me down. Cruel sunlight, hurting the eye. People. As if drawing me back into myself. Look down, sweating palms, racing heart. Lower lip bleeding – bit into it yet again.
Run. Away. Far away. Into a hole, a small hole where no one can find me. No one.
The pain lingers. So do the memories.
