When everybody’s asleep and the big ball of flame in the blue roof above has gone into the blue-green ocean, I am alone. I am alone in my thoughts.
There is nothing to distract me from me – no friends chattering away about inconsequential things, no strangers staring or judging me, no parents correcting me, no admirers wooing me. No movies pulling me into a world of their own, no TV series making me laugh or giving me a sense of longing, no Tumblr quotes making me wonder about things in this world. I am alone with me, there is no escape. Nothing to prevent me from accepting my innermost thoughts – however evil, selfish or cowardly they might be. Ah,music. Music releases me. But only for some time. Then the lyrics inadvertently link themselves to me and my life and I am brought back to the ground reality. I then rush to my second escape mechanism – books. Yes, finally, something that transports me to another universe entirely. Peace and enjoyment for a few hours. But alas, the time must come when you are to switch off the lights. The hour, finally at hand. I look at myself,stripped of the protection others offer me. I cannot look at myself as a good friend or an obedient daughter, but I must look at myself plainly as me – without relation to any other individual. Facing my desires, howmuchever I may have denied them to myself in the daytime. Admitting my insecurities, those that I tried to cover in the day by doing an extra good deed or two. Looking within myself, and seeing a reflection not like one you see in a mirror, plain and unperturbed, but like in a rushing stream – not a clear reflection, but one broken by passing twigs and debris, and by the current of the river – only that my guilt, sadness and other hidden feelings are the disturbances in this nocturnal reflection. I finally see myself, not wholly, not completely, but definitely as a sum of the parts I am – good, bad and grey. And dreams come to carry me off, depending upon the ease my conscience has attained by this reflection.