Open letter to caring friend

Dear friend(s)

I know you love me,I know you care. Last night,when I was unable to hold back tears, the tiny screen of my phone conveyed your love and softened the blow. And a few days before that,remember? When you called? Just then I had been rocking back and forth in agony and seeing your name gave me a ray of hope. Last month your random text about how stupid I am stopped me from brooding about the uselessness of life. Yesterday,you were there. Last week, you were there. Last month,you were there. Before that too, you were there. But how long can I count on you to be there, friend? But till when can I ask you to spoil your nights worrying about me? Hamper your days wondering why I am not answering calls or replying to texts? Be constantly on-your-toes to figure out when I am acting and when I am not? Do not believe for a second that I think that you think all these things. But they are true, nevertheless. In spite of the fact that I know you love me,I know you care.

Knowing what I am going through, how can I possibly, in good conscience, put you through it too? Those moments when I’m biting my knuckles and keeping from screaming in agony or cutting myself to shreds, how can I possibly make you go through the sheer torture that I feel? Why would I want you to suffer the fire that I feel in my veins, the only end to which is to cut them out? The reel of images in my head, that one by one, deliver their blows relentlessly without stopping and push me, gasping, to the ground? My thought process when I intermittently try to recover from this mental distress – thoughts of how weak, wanting, despondent and pathetic I am? But the images are back – and I know exactly why I don’t want to live anymore. No, I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to go through this. Even though I know you love me,I know you care.

You tell me not to hide my mood from you. But how can I,friend, go around looking lifeless, because that’s what I feel? Can I just sit alone in a corner of a small room and never come out again? Can I lie down in your arms and never wake up again? So I plaster on a smile. And when you ask me,’Are you okay?’ , every time, with a twinge of guilt, I look down and say,”Course.’ Ah,glad you missed the eyes. How can I tell you the truth, when it will cause you misery?Because cause misery it will, as I know you love me,I know you care.

In the middle of the night when I wake up from my nightmare, tears in my eyes and terror in my heart, all I can do is roll into a ball and bite the pillow,hard. My phone lies two inches away from me. But I’m scared to touch it. I know I will end up calling you. And I am scared of doing that. But the sad part is : I need you too. It seems selfish, and it is. And a corner of my mind is constantly reprimanding me and pouring more guilt into my heart every time I text you,’Up?’. Mostly, that guilt manages to convert my next text from ‘I need you’ to ‘Wassup?’. But the few times I actually relieve my feelings, guilt crashes down on me. For destroying your mood, for making you feel helpless. What more can I expect you to say? I have no more words to describe my pain, nor you to convey your love. I am selfish, guilty and in pain. But I can’t tell you. Because I know you love me,I know you care.

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