Open letter to best friend

Dear best friend,
This letter is not to tell you how amazing you are. Or how comaptible you are with me. Or what a gift you seem sometimes. This is to tell you that you are wrecking my friendship with people, and I don’t like it.

Everytime I befriend someone, in some time I subconsciously expect them to be as good as you are. When A does not get my innuendos, or B does not understand that I don’t want to be left alone when I shout ‘Leave me alone’, I curse you. I curse you because you have set the bar of expectations so high that I cannot be friends with another human being.
Everytime I am mad at you, I forget it when we talk. So this time I decided to write, to remind me what an impossible idiot you are. So impossible infact, that last night you told me what I wanted from life when I hadn’t even realized it myself. I hate it when you can anticipate my answers and complete my sentences because it makes my other friends look dumb because frankly, the sentence ‘Life’s a bitch’ leaves people fumbling with condolences and it is your mistake that I expect ‘Live with it’ or ‘Then be a dog and fuck it’,depending on the seriousness of my mood.
It is your fault that I cannot text-chat with people successfully. After all, everybody can’t be expected to talk about any topic under the sun seriously at 2am – whether it be the cuteness of penguins or the national debt crisis.
It’s all because of you that I’m speechless when someone apologizes to me and asks,’What can I do to make it up to you?’.I can’t think of anything to say,because you always know of the perfect thing to do or say in any situation.
People give me weirded out expressions if I suddenly chat like a baby. All your doing too, you gave me that habit.
My usage of emoticons has gotten me into trouble (read: awkward misunderstandings) and it is all your mistake,you incorrigble fool. You have a completely different usage of smileys and you got me hooked too. And anyway, you figure out my real mood no matter how many fake smileys I send. Why would you do that? Normal people don’t ask me ‘What is wrong tell me right now without drama’ when I send them ‘:)’.
See,you’re ruining my love life too. You understand me so well and we are so alike in so many ways that whenever I look at a guy I think,’Nah.He can’t (insert any of the stuff I’ve been grumbling about above).’
See,tough as it is,you make me laugh when even I didn’t know I was about to cry. You have no idea how to break an awkward moment and you do it by messaging gibberish and a hi. You have the power to convince me that life is worth living even at the lowest of the low moments. You can’t drive or use bank forms. Your faith in me keeps me going when I’ve given up on myself. You’re sensitive, funny and the best friend anyone could have. You’re arrogant and have a lot of self-doubt, both at the same time. You are a great advisor.
Jeez. You’ve to stop being so amazing, please. I cannot make friends. Better change your wayward habits soon.

Hugs and punches
Your depressed friend.

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